The Vancouver International Film Festival in October 2010 was an absolute high for Hilary from beginning to end.  I thought she might be nervous given that, when we first met, she was very afraid that people seeing her story would think she was crazy. But she wasn’t scared at all – she was happy and excited and ready to take on the world.

We sat beside each other during the premiere screening and, okay, during the first few minutes we were both a tiny bit anxious about whether the audience would engage.  But any apprehension dissolved as we realized the theatre was absolutely silent, except for laughter at appropriate times.  People were fully engaged with Hilary’s amazing journey.

When the film ended, there was a huge spontaneous standing ovation and I could barely get Hilary to the front of the theatre – she was so overwhelmed with emotion.  Not only did people believe her story, they loved her, and wanted to show it.

I’m so sorry Hilary’s not with us to watch her story on The Passionate Eye  January 26, but I’m sure glad she had a chance to experience how people react to it, and to her.  Here’s what she wrote to me when she got home from Vancouver:  “I’m still on a buzz from last week and everyone here has seen something about it on TV or paper.  I haven’t.  If you hear anything will you let me know.  I can’t wait until our next adventure together!!!!!  There will be one won’t there??  Love, Hilary”

-Helen Slinger

When the Devil knocks airs Wednesday, January 26 at 10pm ET and PT on CBC News Network’s The Passionate Eye.

For the trailer and more on the film go to www.whenthedevilknocks.com

One of my favourite memories from making When the Devil Knocks is really a series of memories about how to make Hilary’s “alters” (other personalities) come alive.

I was there when Hilary sat down with her therapist, Cheryl Malmo, to watch some of the videotape as different personalities emerged during therapy. Hilary found it really difficult, and somewhat freaky, that the alters all looked like the middle-aged woman she physically was. This was NOT how they appeared in her mind’s eye.

For example, Tim – probably her favourite alter – was a rambunctious 12-year-old boy. He was even left-handed. Oh, and Tim didn’t need eyeglasses but Hilary did in “real” life. Tim behaved very differently from Hilary but he still looked like her – and that just didn’t sit right with Hilary.

So while I was cogitating about how to visualize her story, I asked Hilary how she’d feel about helping me cast actors to play some of her key alters for some very abstract reenactments. This was early on, when she was still feeling a little afraid of the filmmaking process – understandably! But when I asked for help with the casting, she absolutely lit up.

By the time we got to the casting sessions, some months later, Hilary was anxious about whether she knew how. With Cheryl by her side, though, it was better than a breeze – it was a wonderful breath of fresh air for all of us. Hilary had such a click when the right person walked in the room. We rapidly realized that it was all about the energy. We were auditioning for another character when “Tim” walked in the room and Hilary knew instantly. In fact, she was somewhat reluctant to let him go!

It was the same when we were filming the reenactment scenes with the alters. Hilary liked to be around for those shoots because she realized that, now that she was whole, she missed having the alters exist separate from her.

If that thought makes your mind fry, it was even a little much to take in for Hilary. When we were filming the kite-flying scene with Tim, Hilary said to me, “I wanted people to see him as he was all along, and now they can. I feel like saying ‘I told you so, it wasn’t imagination, it was real and this proves it.’ But of course, that’s ridiculous.”

That’s how real the alters were to Hilary. Even as a whole, integrated person, she remembered them as if they were a real family of children that she had known and nurtured.

– Helen Slinger

Watch the auditions

Getting ready for the When the Devil Knocks broadcast premiere 26 January, I’ve been thinking a lot about Hilary, and missing her.

When we first met four or so years ago, she was very fragile.  I remember sitting in her little living room, with Hilary and her beloved partner Debbie, and having Hilary ask me if I thought she was crazy.  I told her that I didn’t think she was crazy but she sure was a lot braver than me – to consider letting the world see videotape of her psychotherapy.

I actually like to occasionally remind myself of how scared and timid Hilary was because it reminds me of how very brave she was; and of how far she came in the few sweet years that I had the privilege of knowing her.  In a small way, our journey together, making the documentary, mirrored Hilary’s much greater journey to become a whole person.  I saw her – on the therapy tapes AND in our real life interactions – grow from a terrified child in a woman’s body into the whole, powerful, hilarious, triumphant person that was Hilary Stanton in the last woefully short years of her life.

By the time we showed the rough cut of the documentary to Hilary, prior to its film festival premiere, I was the one who was scared.  Not afraid that she wouldn’t “like” the film but worried that it would hurt her to re-experience some of the painful parts of her life.  She did wince a couple of times but at the end she stood up, gave me a big hug and said, “Thank you.  I’m so proud to be the face of DID.”

Through her courage, Hilary has given the world a gift of understanding about this fascinating but controversial disorder.  And I’m powerfully glad that, before she left us, Hilary saw that her work was done.  Thinking of her often brings to mind one of my favourite quotes, from Amelia Earhart:  “Courage is the price that life exacts for granting peace.”

Here’s to you, Hilary.

– Helen Slinger